It’s okay to admit that you were secretly hoping the Columbus media would work as many coffee-related gags into its coverage of the Washington game. They did not leave us high and dry – the jokes were flowing on Sunday morning like, well, coffee. Get it? It’s because they make a lot of coffee in Seattle. Hilarious – it makes me wonder what silly jokes other local markets make when reporting on Ohio State.
What is Columbus known for around the country? Wendy’s? Bob Evans? The Limited? The fact that The Limited is based in Columbus is a serious fashion paradox, considering the sheer volume of jorts worn in and around its strongest sphere of influence in central Ohio. In reality, Columbus is predominately known for Ohio State, which is why reporters usually take the lay-up and simply mention Maurice Clarett, Woody Hayes or the fact that Jim Tressel wears a vest. Kansas coach Mark Mangino also routinely wears a sweater vest, but nobody ever mentions it when discussing his appearance. I wonder why that is.
The second half of the Washington game was the best half of football played by the Buckeyes on all three sides of the ball since…think about it for a minute…right, the first half of last November’s Northwestern game, when the Buckeyes scored 33 points, blocked a punt and stole the ball four times. Northwestern, fresh off of allowing the longest losing streak in the country to be ended at its expense, in Evanston, limps into Columbus this Saturday in a continuation of the home schedule that is bringing so much D-list talent into town that if the stadium decided to sell funnel cakes and display a butter cow, it would be the Ohio State fair. Even with the high intensity, elevated production and an extremely rare win by a Big Ten team at a PAC Ten team’s home stadium; it could have been far more humiliating for Washington. The Buckeyes uncharacteristically missed two field goals, gave up a sure touchdown due to a sort-of motion penalty, and allowed both of Washington’s scores to occur because of prevent defense at the end of the first half, and prevent defense done by backups at the end of the second half, the latter of which looked reminiscent of the entire Florida game, add victorious, condescending laughter. One bonus takeaway from the Huskies’ stadium – it looks like the paint on their field turf has faded substantially since it was installed. This can only mean that the field at Ohio Stadium, which currently looks like the obnoxiously bright-colored play mats that children spread their germs all over at Gymboree, will eventually fade into something slightly subtler. That’s assuming it rains as much in Columbus as it does in Seattle. It does, right? Mmmm, love that Seattle coffee! Speaking of coffee, there were no wet brown stains on the field prior to the game, only after it had ended, but coming from Washington’s players after seeing any Wells running at them, Saine, Robiskie and Hartline running past them and Laurinaitis about to kill them.
The Buckeyes graciously forfeited a couple dozen points, then credited back that account six with Brandon Saine’s Willingham-aided touchdown run to end the game. Poor Ty Willingham – imagine what it must have been like to be him on Saturday: Losing not only at home to Ohio State in what was supposed to be the most popular sleeper upset pick [sic] of the day, but at the very same time, also getting blown out by Michigan in Ann Arbor while Charlie Weis waddled along the sidelines, cursing Willingham’s name on camera, along with the rest of the Notre Dame faithful. The only thing comparably worse than being Willingham this past Saturday is being Rick Rolled at work while the volume on your computer is turned all the way up. It is a travesty that Weis has to put up with Willingham’s lazy recruiting and bad coaching that lead to awful times under his watch that make the current woes seem blissful.
The only thing more awkward than listening to a Notre Dame fan defend Weis and blame Willingham for the Irish’s litany of football failures almost three years after his premature firing is when (insert any Sportscenter anchor) cutely tries to say “Red Sox” with a New England accent and fails as miserably as (insert any Notre Dame anything). Nobody in Boston says, “Red Soaks” you idiots. NDNation, the greatest form of online amusement that doesn’t offer any nudity or cash prizes, was shut down to the unregistered public for the entire Michigan game. This was probably done preemptively to keep the millions of Irish haters from polluting their otherwise bat-feces crazy discourse with ironic jest like, “Your an idiot”. Since the game ended, the board has been non-stop jack-knifed semi-truck on the edge of a cliff entertainment – that’s not to say that Ohio State forums don’t have their regularly delusional moments (with the crowning example coming eight full years ago at online Buckeye granddaddy the O-Zone, where on one unfortunate evening there was general consensus that Steve Bellisari was a better quarterback than Michael Vick, and that Vick “face it, just isn’t that good”). Similarly but on steroids, there is an overabundance of bad rationalization at the NDNation – the regulars frequently point to valleys in resumes of the likes of Joe Gibbs, Jimmy Johnson, Butch Davis, Tony Dungy and Joe Paterno as some sort of cathartic equivalence to their current savior’s tribulations. In reality, there is exactly one thing Charlie Weis has in common with all of those men: He weighs as much as all of them, combined.
If you were one of those fans flipping between the Buckeyes and the Michigan game, you may have caught Bonnie Bernstein discussing what she had heard from Weis coming out of the locker room at halftime, when Notre Dame was losing 31-0. She said that he told her his players “are doing everything I told them not to” which is always nice to hear a head coach say when his team is getting absolutely rolled on national television for the fifth game in a row – apparently the Irish wouldn’t be winless if the players would only listen to the genius and stop listening to Willingham. Say whatever you want about Jim Tressel’s seemingly canned and scripted bland comments to the media – he does not take the credit and he does not shun the blame. He won quickly with a program whose culture had long begun to rot and he has not alienated boosters, the university community or the fans with boorish behavior since coming to Columbus. The same cannot be said for the head coach at Notre Dame, who – and this is still one of the amazing wonders of college football media – is still anointed as some sort of offensive genius. As you are reading this, consider the following: Three games into the season, you have more rushing yards than Notre Dame. Have you even played a down? At the current pace, Notre Dame is going to go 0-12 and then lose their January bowl game. It is a distinct possibility that should that happen, Nick Saban will be available. Thankfully Jim Tressel will not.
Ramzy
Welcome back to campus, OSU students: Here’s what you looked like 20 years ago
